a colored spectrum

humble grumble

i want to attend the Suntec Motorshow...
would be quite an eye-opener. though have no money to buy the sleek plates of polished metal...
it's nice to take a look! jus for the fun of it.

but nobody wants to go with me...
i can't find Priscila, Michele went on Sunday, Elaine not interested.

i want to go shopping. maybe not shopping per se, but go down Orchard.
go Borders or something. flip through some magazines to relax. walk walk see see.
take a look at pretty clothes at ZARA and decide what i can buy soon.
breathe some urban polluted air and see people pass me by. buy a drink at the side-walk cafe.

but no one is free to go with me. michele have one more paper. elaine also exams.

why everyone ask me to go shopping or see motorshow with joshua???
or go shopping with joshua???

i have my own life. i am an individual.
why must i do things with him? i have my own social circle, my own interests...
i don't want to lose my own privacy and freedom.

why do school mates and friends ask about him whenever they see me?
we are not a joint-unit. we are two seperate entities...
i feel hurt when people keep associating me with him...
they seem to forget that i am Veen.

=i am who i am=

some school mates say that we tend to appear together. when you see one, you see the other.
i think that is damn sad. i am losing my uniqueness.
yesterday i was swimming alone, it feels good. to be alone. for once.
everyone need time and space alone to pursue their own interests, sort out their personal thoughts, and be with themselves. that is my belief.

funny how it seems.... i see him when i go to school.
i see him during class breaks. i see him after school.
i only see him. even when i study, i also see him.
i am suffering from an overdose of joshua. it gets to me. it stiffles me.
i am losing my identity...

i do miss Joshua. i do think of him. i do need him.
but i am trying hard to seek a balance between myself and the relationship.
i am getting lost within this dark process. i feel lonely. i am scared. i don't know what lies ahead.

Father, hear my prayer. please walk into my life, shine a light on me.
Lord, you are my shepherd, i am your sheep.
hold my hand, i place my trust in you. please lead my way in this dark narrow valley.
may i not get lost in this chaotic world. may i be blessed with wisdom for choices.
my Christ live in me, so i speak of His words and do His deeds.
may my relationship blossom and flourish, with God in the focus. Amen.

i don't know.... but i am getting disillusioned.
about everything. about school. about life. about relationships.
i am expended. i don't want to push myself anymore... i am breaking down.
seek help and receive help. i called out but i only heard my own echoes...

i haven't taken the time out to enjoy things i do.
like swimming, clubbing, read a novel, doddling, visiting the museums for ages.
it's been ages since i took a walk by the beach or even Esplanade water-front.
i am losing my 'self'.

i was supposed to meet Joshua tis evening but by the time he called me, it was too late.
i couldn't go out coz i was supposed to be revising my work already.
he wants to meet me for brunch tomorrow, grandma is not cooking lunch too.
but i am not keen.
everytime he dates me out for brunch, he won't be up early enough to meet me at 11.
by the time he rolls out of bed, his mum is out buying lunch for him.
otherwise, he would only be able to meet me after 12noon.
sorry but i have other matters to attend to. i cannot revolve my time around him.

am i being too selfish? too self centered? maybe.
i just want to go away for some time and think things out.
i feel that the relationship is going nowhere. it has kinda drifted and deteriorated.
the honeymoon period is over, but i don't mind that.
i'm once again having problems with myself. i am unclear of what i want/need.
i am sure we can tide through this rough patch, but give me time and space.

i am dropping a no-confidence vote.

posted by Veen @ 22:57